Not Strong Enough
by Lunatic Yaoi Fangirl666
Summary: I'm not strong enough. Never had been strong, no matter how hard I tried to fight and resist the urge-the need- to run whenever he calls me. No matter how many times I tell myself, "Never again." "This is the last time." I always come to him. I'm not strong enough, not when it comes to Gippal. Top/Seme!Gippal Bottom/Uke!Baralai


Not Strong Enough

**Disclaimer: I don't own FFX|FFX-2, nor do I own the characters. I also don't own the song, "Not strong enough" by Apocalyptica (which you should listen to while reading this story). So this is a one-shot [my first one so be nice!] dedicated to Gippalai Day (which is tomorrow) and I'm posting it today because tomorrow I won't have any internet connections so yeah :'( Well, enjoy and remember: Reviews are very appreciated and make an author very happy to where he/she will write even more. Sorry for any OOCness.**

'_Thoughts in reality'_

**_'Thoughts in Flashback'_**

* * *

**Baralai's POV**

The first time it happened was an accident; we were exhausted but adrenaline was still coursing through our veins, begging and pleading to be released in some way.

Nooj and Paine-I remember-went to bed inside their shared tent, looking as if they weren't at all bothered by the energy continuously pulsing beneath their skin.

I would've done the same-even though I was just as affected as a certain blonde haired man-but this Crimson Squad was blessed with a certain green eyed Al Bhed that just couldn't (**wouldn't,** I suspect) go to bed when he was feeling so energized, so **alive.**

And it was in that need to release the pent up energy that we…_did_ it (and to this day I don't know how we went from talking about the fiends we fought to lying upon my bed).

As in our clothes went flying through the air like arrows and he was on top of me, **biting** and **licking** and **sucking **every inch of my dark skin, reducing me into a whimpering mess.

Of course, afterwards I felt guilty and so, **so** ashamed of myself.

The teachings condemned the Al Bhed, said they were heretics and we not human for they used machina.

And yet, I _slept_ with one.

A _believer_, someone who **believed** and **worshiped** Yevon's teaching.

And I **betrayed **it.

So it came to me as no surprise when I felt like, for the better lack of word, shit when it was over with and Gippal had all but passed out while spooning me with my dark colored back pressed against his sweat covered chest.

I stayed up that whole night, my thoughts whirling and whizzing like a robot; I couldn't close my brown eyes, not with the emotions swirling and tumbling beneath my skin like a tornado.

And when the sun, giant and shining as bright as it could, rose in the morning I was scared.

Scared of Paine and Nooj somehow finding out.

Scared of not being able to pretend **it **never happened.

Scared of losing Gippal.

The last one, _especially_ the last one, came as a shock to me when the sun rose higher and higher in the bright blue sky over looking Bikanel Island.

Yes, Gippal and I were comrades and we'd gladly fight for each other.

But friends?

With an Al Bhed?

It goes against everything, **everything **I believed in!

But I felt that way because somewhere along the broken roads we traveled together-the fiends we fought and slayed together-Gippal became more than a comrade.

He became an **acquaintance.**

He became a** friend** that I trusted dearly, so perhaps a **best friend** even.

And now, the **love of my life.**

That's right, _love of my life._

Because somehow, after the first time we had together, my feelings grew stronger and bigger no matter how hard I tried to squash them down.

And so the more we had sex, the more we intertwined our bodies and became one with each other, the more I fell into a spiraling hole filled with nothing but Gippal.

And that's where the problem lies.

_Loving _Gippal **isn't** the problem at all now, actually.

It's the _reciprocation_ that **is** the problem.

I love Gippal, love him with every fiber in my being and with every beat my heart makes.

But Gippal…Gippal doesn't feel the same.

Brown eyes clench shut as tears swell up, my lips parting and sharply inhaling a breath only to be assaulted by the aroma of sweat and sex.

'_Don't you dare cry, Baralai,' _I forcefully tell myself as I continue to inhale, hoping and praying to Yevon that the tears would fade away. '_You've known this for a long time-three years now-that Gippal doesn't feel the same. The only one you have to blame is yourself for not being strong enough to say, "No, Gippal, I don't want to become one with you again." It's your fault for falling in love with him in the first place.'_

'_I know that, damn it!' _I silently hissed, my body trembling before relaxing as a strong arm tightens around my stomach.

"'Top thinking so much, Lai," Gippal's groggy sleep-filled voice mumbles in my ear, shivers running down my spine as warm air is puffed into my air. "I can practically hear you thinking."

"Sorry," I softly mumble while my dark hand (against my will) reaches up from my side and strokes the tan sweaty arm, basking in the muscles flexing beneath the feather light touches.

"Yeah, yeah," Gippal mumbles, pressing his lips against my sweat slicked silver hair before tightening his grip once more as he settled back into sleep. "Get some sleep, Lai."

_"I can't,"_ I wanted so badly to say, my heart thundering against my chest at the prospect of telling Gippal why I couldn't sleep.

But, I'm **not** like Gippal or Pain or even Nooj.

I'm not _brave_ and _strong._

I'm a **coward** and **weak.**

"Okay," I simply reply before snuggling into the covers and pressing my naked back against his muscular form, brown eyes fluttering closed for one moment as I cherished the moment when I could pretend that Gippal _did_ love me back.

But, like everything in life, the good has to come to an end just like the bad.

That's why I hated the mornings, hated it with a burning passion.

Because it was in that moment, when the sun was in the blue sky and people were awakening from their slumber, that I had to leave.

Leave the warm bed that told the story of our nightly activities.

Leave the covers neatly folded as if no one was ever there.

Leave the man I loved, knowing he'd never feel the same.

And once more, the tears spring up like a cockroach that just won't die.

I force them down, inhaling once more before sinking into the tightly (and, dare I say it, _loving_) embrace and letting sleep claim me once more.

But not before making a silent promise that, deep down, I know I will never act out.

**'_Next time I'll be strong enough to say no.'_**

* * *

_Three Years Ago:_

_Gasps and pants echoed throughout the silent room, the sound of covers rustling following them._

_"G-Gippal?" I slowly inquire, my sweaty form tense even though Gippal had a comforting arm wrapped around my waist (I'm really starting to think he loves being the big spoon...that's alright though, I like being his little spoon anyway)._

_"Hm?" Gippal responded, his mouth pressed against my silver hair covered in sweat as he rapidly fell asleep (honestly, for an guy that's so young, he sure is easy to knock out with just a round or two)._

_Pink lips purse as I struggle to gather my courage, hoping and praying to Yevon nothing will go wrong._

**_'Come on, Baralai!' _**_I encourage myself as a silence descends around our naked forms covered by the inn's covers. '**You've faced fiends, zombies, other crimson squads, and people. What is so dangerous about one tiny little question?'**__  
_

_Except, this just wasn't one tiny little question, it was a question that my life depended on._

_If Gippal said anything negative, anything that could potentially shatter my heart, I'll break completely and will end up living a life filled with nothing but misery and heartache._

_But..._

_White teeth clamps down on my bottom lip as the possible answers flew by._

_But if it's something positive, something that could protect and rebuild my heart, I'll be able to live life while being happy and never regretting anything I do anymore._

**_'Come on, Baralai! You can do it!' _**_I silently encouraged, brown eyes fluttering closed as I inhaled deeply before exhaling._

_"If-I-do you..." I stumble over my words, my dark cheeks flushing red as I attempted to fade back into the Baralai I knew was perfectly articulate. _

_"Do I what, Lai?" Gippal queries, his tan hand gently painting circles on my stomach as he propped himself up on the white pillow._

_No words are spoken, my teeth nibbling at my bottom lip as I tried to ease the thundering in my chest._

_"D-Do you e-ever want...want more from-from something?" I finally force out the question, wincing internally at how shaky and un-Baralai it sounded with fear dripping from each word._

_"Do I ever want more from something?" Gippal parroted, bewilderment articulated through his voice. "What do you mean, Lai?"_

_"I-I mean-it's-I don't..." I trail off, my cheeks lighting on fire as I realized how I sounded like a fool._

**_'Yevon! Baralai, stop talking. You're just making yourself sound stupid in front of the man you love,' _**_I silently upbraided myself, my brown eyes lowering to the floor as my heart sighed in resignation._

_"It's nothing, Gippal," I finally speak once more, my teeth biting my tongue to hold back the tears I felt swelling up in my eyes. "Just...just go back to bed."_

_"Are-Are you sure, Lai?" Gippal questions, his green eyes gazing at the back of my head while he sat up straighter. "I mean, is there something you want to say?"_

_"No," I whisper, burrowing my face into the pillow as I compelled my body to relax in Gippal's hold. "I'm just tired."_

_"Right. Okay, yeah that's-that's fine," Gippal finally murmured after a long pregnant pause, the covers shifting as he settled back down. "Well...goodnight, Lai."_

_"Goodnight, Gippal," I replied, closing my brown eyes to force down the hope as I (thought) heard disappointment ringing from Gippal's tone._

**_'I'm not strong enough to even ask the question that would give me a clue on what Gippal truly feels for me,' _**_I bitterly thought, the tears swelling over and sliding down my dark cheeks like snowflakes. '**I'm a coward. Weak. Can't even get the courage to tell Gippal that I love him and can't stand the thought of him not feeling the same.'**_

_**'I'm not strong enough to be brave,' **Was my last thought before I drifted off into a restless sleep._

* * *

The second time was also an accident and was two weeks after the first "accident"; we had just fought a fiend that no other squad could defeat and won, slayed it into the ground.

So naturally, like any other team that was feeling extremely happy and victorious, we wanted to celebrate our victory.

And thus we found ourselves in a bar and we drank, Pain and Nooj excluded for they thought Gippal was being childish (though they said it in Pain and Nooj's way of saying "We're fond of you nonetheless") and retired to their separate rooms we had in the inn.

At first, I truly did not want to; drinking would not be a good idea because if you had too much you lost all control and I was feeling way too many things for Gippal (most of them I was still in denial about) that losing control would **not** be a good idea, and I was _tired._

_You_ try fighting a fiend that, apparently, hated you out of the rest of the humans and kept attacking you over and over.

So I was exhausted, and just wanted to sleep and let my wounds heal.

But then Gippal turned to me, his green eyes wide and begging, and he asked in this tone that he knew that I could never say no to.

And so I found myself on a hard stool, a TV hanging above our heads, slowly nursing an alcoholic beverage (the name just couldn't be bothered with) while Gippal downed his drink as if he were a man lost in the desert.

I was only going to drink one alcoholic beverage, just **_one_, **but then Gippal noticed my hesitancy and beseeched me to celebrate with him ("Come on, Lai!" I remember he said, "We just kicked that fiend's hiny all the way to next year! That calls for some serious celebration, and I can't celebrate by myself.").

And, like any sane person because Gippal cannot be sane one bit, I faltered until Gippal spoke in that tone (you know, the same one that persuaded me to drink with him).

Thus, I gave in and drink another beverage.

And another one.

And another one.

And **_another one_ **until I lost count of the number of drinks I drowned.

My memory isn't that good in that moment, but the next day (and the week following that) I got little snippets of that night to make me remember all I forgot.

The bright lights.

The giggles escaping both of our mouths.

The slurs and words we whispered.

The sound of a door opening and covers rustling.

My clothes falling off and my naked body, in it's birthday suite, shivering as the cold air caressed the dark skin.

A warm, hot tongue tracing over my neck and chest.

Moans and whimpers falling from my lips followed by Gippal's groans.

Not enough to make me remember the whole night, but enough to give me the gist of it (not that I didn't already know what we did the next morning. I'm positive that if your behind is sore, there is very little options to explain it).

That night was the very first night I made a promise and _**kept it:**_

_**I am never drinking again.**_

* * *

The third time was a month after the second incident and it was...well, it was accidental Gippal can claim, but it was actually intentionally.

Gippal was drunk once more ("Another fiend defeated. This calls for some drinks!  
He yelled, clapping his hands with a smirk on his face), and this time (thank Yevon!) I was completely sober.

Unfortunately, what I never realized from the second incident that Gippal had two drunk sides: the first one where he was a mega flirt and flirted with anything (and I mean anything! He was flirting with a chair for Yevon's sake!) and the second one was...

It was horny.

Not horny as in I-need-to-ejaculate-right-now-and-then-I'll-feel-better, but as in I-want-to-have-sex-with-you-right-now-on-this-very-floor-and-no-amount-of-jerking-off-will-help.

And by then, I realized that I had a crush on Gippal and was no longer in denial about my feelings (well, I was still fighting them but that doesn't matter).

So when Gippal came on to me, whispering promises of a mind blowing night and love forever (and Yevon if those didn't send my heart into cardiac arrest) I gave in.

It was that night, after Gippal was sound asleep with his arms curled around my waist and pulling me into his naked chest, that I realized something that grew truer and truer each time I saw Gippal.

_**I'm not strong enough to stay away.**_

* * *

What number is it this time?

Ten, fifteen, twenty?

I don't know, I've lost track.

The moments-the sweat, and moans, and gasps, and beseeches for more-all end up blending together, creating this haziness that sometimes makes me wonder if I'm dreaming.

**Am** I dreaming?

Is all this fiction, make believe?

The feel of Gippal's skin over mine, is it fake?

The words he whispers, those sweet considerate words whispered with so much love that it physically _hurts_ me, are they even real?

The moment where he enters me, my muscles instantly clamping down and creating that feeling of wholeness,-the feeling as if we were each other's two missing puzzle pieces and we had finally reconnected to make a picturesque picture-is it all in my head?

I would think so, and somedays, I believe myself.

And its moments like these, when he's slowly moving in and being so **fucking** nice and concerned for me that makes me think it's all just a dream.

But it's the moments that follow, the post fucking bliss that we both wear like costumes, that makes me realize something:

_'How can this be a dream, when it all feels so real, so right?'_

Somedays, I really do wish it was real; I wish that Gippal did love me like he does in my fantasies, and that the sex we have together is actually love making in disguise.

Other days, the days when morning comes far too soon for my pleasure, I wish it was all a dream.

Because then I could wake up when the feelings of _hurt_ and _desperation_ become too much and shake it off like the bad dream it was.

Unfortunately for me, I'm a sensible and logical guy and so I know something that shatters my already brittle spirit into thousand of pieces.

_**This is reality, not a dream.**_

* * *

"I love you," The three little words slip out of my mouth before I can even stop them, Gippal's lips freezing in their tracks along my neck.

_'Oh Yevon,' _I silently said, my brown eyes widening into saucers plates when I heard my darkest secret thrown out into the air. '_Oh shit.'_

Quicker than a snake, I pull away and shoot towards the door with my heart thundering in my chest as I replayed the moment over and over in my head.

'_How in Yevon's name could you be so stupid?' _I silently asked myself as I threw open my bedroom doors and ran out into Beville's hallways, the sound of my feet echoing in the dead silent air. '_Damn it Baralai! How could you be so stupid?! Of all times, this is the moment where you finally confess your fucking love? Right now?! When Gippal's sucking your neck like a vampire, you finally get the courage to tell him how you feel?'_

"Damn it!" I roared in the hallway as I continued running, pushing my legs even faster when I heard my name being called.

"Slow the fuck down, Baralai!" Gippal screamed as he chased after me.

_'Damn it!' _I silently cursed as I ran into a dead end, my brown eyes frantically searching for an escape. '_Damn it!'_

**Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**

My heart pounded against my chest like a wardrum, the sound of Gippal's footsteps approaching my trapped form only fueling it to go faster and faster.

**Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**

"Baralai," Gippal whispers, his voice right behind me.

**Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**

Slowly, as if possessed by some unknown fiend, I turn around to face my doom.

**Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**

_'Four years,' _I think as I continue to gradually turn my body to face Gippal. _'Four years I've kept my feelings inside, never telling anyone how I truly felt.'_

**Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**

_'I'm a coward,' _I continue my thoughts, '_I'm weak. I'm not strong enough. Never was. I wasn't strong enough to tell Gippal my feelings. I wasn't strong enough to say no. I was never strong enough. Not when it comes to you, Gippal.'_

**Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**

Brown eyes finally clash with green orbs, resignation articulated through my eyes as I await the verdict that would either shatter me into pieces or repair every crack in my armor until I was brand new.

**Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump**

"Baralai, I-geez you can't just-I mean I-" Gippal stumbles over his words, green eyes wide and tan face ashen as he tried in vain to speak.

But it was alright; I understood what he was attempting to say.

"I know, Gippal," I softly reply, my tone articulating my sadness and acceptness. "I know I didn't mean for that to-"

"No! Damn it Baralai you've got it all wrong!" Gippal snarls, his hands coming up and tugging at his blond spiky hair. "I-I'm not good with words, Lai, you know I'm not. I'm not like you, with your perfect articulation and everything. I-I'm just me, plain ole Gippal that words better with his hands than his mouth!"

Pink lips stay closed as I watch him with fear and a tiny bit of hope shining through my eyes like stars in the midnight sky.

"I mean-what I'm trying to say is-damn it!" Gippal screams, his legs pacing around and around like a lion stuck inside a cage while his hands roughly tugged at his blond locks. "I-fuck it!"

Before I can say or do anything, Gippal rushes towards me and grabs me by my collar.

Brown eyes instinctively close, thinking I'm about to be hit...

Only for them to fly back open as rough, chapped lips seal themselves over mine and passionately move against my frozen lips.

_'This is my last kiss,' _I realize suddenly, my heart clenching and twisting at that thought. '_Well then, if this is the last time I can ever kiss Gippal then I'll take it for what it's worth.'_

And so I kiss back, matching Gippal's passion with mine.

It was only after we both pulled away, our lips red and swollen and our breathings labored, did I finally hear the words I never thought I'd hear.

"I love you, Baralai."

Brown eyes widen, looking into green eyes that were glittering with sincerity, before a smile pulls over my lips.

So I press my lips back against Gippal's, finally able to enjoy the moment without having to worry about it all being one-sided or just a dream.

_'I'm not strong enough to stay away,'_ I thought as I pulled away and buried my dark colored face in the crook of Gippal's tan neck, my arms wrapped tightly around his neck and hands buried in the soft hair. '_But that's alright. Because I've finally realized that I don't have to be strong anymore.'_

**_'Not with you, Gippal.'_**

* * *

**A/N (Author Note): Hope you enjoyed and please review! Also, the cover? Yeah, the drawing does not belong to me. So credits to whoever made that brilliant picture! And before I go: I wish you all a Gippalai-tastic day!**

**With love,**

**LYF666**


End file.
